Thursday, August 16, 2012

Mea Culpa

I didn't go crazy and tell everyone when it happened, but last Friday I had an interview for my school, the school I've been at for the past 3.5 years in some capacity - after-school program/observing/subbing/student teaching.  It wasn't a classroom position, they were looking for someone to be a teacher's Aide for two little first grade boys who need one all day, every day.  One of the boys I know well, from the after school program, the other I don't know at all.  I was excited, because it was a foot in the door - the lady who did it last year got her own classroom this year.

However, nearly a week has come and gone with no word.  The school had staff development today, so that pretty well tells met that they decided on someone else.  I'll be going to back to my after-school job and substituting during the day.  I'll make enough money (though I won't have benefits) and I'll still get to see all my kids, which is what I wanted.

I've never been great at saying goodbye to people.  I've never been great with change, period.  I like to settle down, put in time and effort, and form long-lasting bonds with people.  I think it makes me very dedicated to this school and these kids, but it came at the cost of me getting a job.  The fact is that the thought of working at any other school and saying goodbye to my kids made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't apply elsewhere, I didn't send out a million resumes and email principals because I wanted to work at this school and be with these kids more than I wanted a classroom of my own.  I didn't see how I could go on interviews and act like I wanted to work somewhere else when that wasn't true.  Not to mention, it would have been so hard for me to turn down a job if I had been offered one.

The fact that I don't have a job somewhere else is my fault, because I was cowardly, and I accept that.  I'm going to do whatever it takes to support myself, I can go as far as working 3 jobs (substituting, after-school, my old night job) plus babysitting and house-sitting on the weekends.  I'm going to be alright.

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