Thursday, January 3, 2013

Setbacks

The month of December was not good to me.  Some things happened that made me sad and angry, hurt my feelings, and generally left me wondering if I'd made a mistake and maybe I wasn't even supposed to be teaching.  It's still too painful to talk about, but the effects are far reaching, like ripples on a pond.

I had already planned on leaving the after school program I worked at, but after events transpired I left it early, without getting to say goodbye to my kids.  I won't even be substituting at that school, so basically the last time I got to see my kids was November 30th.  Instead of the semester starting with me being guaranteed a few work days a month and a whole school of people who would call me if they needed as sub, I'll be starting over at new schools where I know maybe one other teacher.  Instead of hugging my kids and asking all about their winter break, and spending time with them, I am cut off from them.

I worked at that school for 4 years.  I was there for some part of 5 different school years.  I started out with kindergartners in the spring of 2009 and now they are in 4th grade.  I love all my kids, whether they were with me for a few months or all 4 years.  I love the kids I did my student teaching with.  I was a regular face there as a substitute, and I had teachers that called me first, before anyone else, when they needed a sub.  It kills me not to get to see these people all the time.  I had dreamed of getting a teaching position there, but that's not likely to happen now.  I had all these connections built up, and now it's all for nothing.

Basically put - it sucks.  I have been angry and hurt for a month now, and while I'm trying to resume life as normal, I just can't let go of the negativity.  I'm a firm believer that there is a reason for everything, that God does not play dice with the universe, but I'm wondering what the reason could be for A) cutting me off from the little people who make me smile, who make a bad day better, B) putting my whole future (career-wise) in jeopardy and C) making me question the one path that I was on that I thought, with absolute certainty, was where God wanted me.

January 8th marks the start of a new semester, and I just know the first time I step foot in a new school my heart is going to break even more.  Last year, when I didn't get placed at "my" school for student teaching, it was so hard to be in these other classrooms, in this other building, with these other people.  The one thing that helped was being over to drive to "my" school and visit my after school kids and get hugs from them and hear about their lives.  Now, I don't even have that.  This is a new chapter in my life and I don't want to turn the page.  I want to rip out all the pages until I get to the answers in the back of the book so someone can tell me why this all happened.

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